


Loving You Is All I Need (Teacher x Student AU)

by phansuniteinluv



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Death, Comfort, Crying, Cute Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Death, Depression, Fluff and Angst, Hurt Phil Lester, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, Sad Dan Howell, Sad Phil Lester, Sobbing, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Teacher-Student Relationship, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-22
Updated: 2019-12-22
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:01:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 14,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21893314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phansuniteinluv/pseuds/phansuniteinluv
Summary: Teacher (Phil) x Student (Dan) AU.Phil is Dan's English teacher at Uni.  After Dan finds himself daydreaming over Phil, he finally works up the courage to give him his phone number.  They text late into the night until finally, Phil asks Dan on a date.  It was all nerves, butterflies, and innocent loving.  They were two young boys discovering what love was.  They made sure to be careful, for the most part, until one day, they make a mistake and everything changed.Warnings: Suicide mention, major character death, depression, panic attacks
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 6
Kudos: 6
Collections: Phandom Fic Fests Holiday Exchange 2019





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AntisocailIntrovert](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AntisocailIntrovert/gifts).



This was a new year. Dan had spent the first 20 years of his life struggling with his sexuality and he finally decided to accept himself. He had spent his whole first year of Uni being homophobic towards himself. He knew being ‘gay’ was a bad thing, so that definitely wasn’t him. But after multiple girlfriends and awful one-night stands, he came to the conclusion that he was, in fact, a homosexual. And he was finally, and awfully aware of how much he wanted a boyfriend.

Dan’s two best friends, PJ and Chris, had helped him throughout this self-discovery. They hooked him up with a few guys, but Dan was ready to be serious. He was tired of the constant want of someone to love him, and someone that he could love back. 

Luckily, PJ and Chris would be roommates with Dan this year and would be there every step of the way. They wouldn’t judge him, but they would most definitely make it their goal to make Dan happy. He had struggled enough and deserved something good. 

The three boys arrived at their small dorm room two days before the fall semester started. They brought only the essentials, knowing the housing was small and cramped. Indeed it was, and it was also disgustingly untidy. Nothing they couldn’t deal with though.

Hours went by as they cleaned and silently unpacked their few boxes of stuff, trying to arrange it all to fit the space. Once the last piece of clothing was hung and the sheets were put on the bed though, Dan immediately suggested pizza. It was more of a demand really, but the two weren’t going to object. With the little amount of bed space that he had, Dan laid down and opened his laptop. He opened to the Dominoes website and ordered his favorite. And just like that, chicken nuggets and a half and half, large, original crust, Texas bbq supreme, and the sizzler was on its way to their dorm.

“Bbq for the sweet, and sizzler for the meat.” Dan did a stupid finger gun from across the room, pointing at the two boys laughing at how stupid that whole gesture was.

“Are you just constantly going to finger gun at us whenever you think you said something witty?” Chris sarcastically rolled his eyes as he asked the question.

“Yup!” Of course, Dan answered with a wink and more finger guns.

“You guys are literally so dumb.” PJ shook his head as he tried to contain his laughter. 

Dan gawked at him, and added in a mock offended tone, “Whatsoever do you mean, PJ? I’m in law and that’s like learning a whole other language! You have to be smart to do that. And Chris is majoring in theatre! That’s impressive. You have to have a brain to remember lines for that! And you! You PJ are majoring in digital films _and_ screen arts! I think that’s impressive. So there. We’re not dumb.”

However idiotic, the three continued their mock argument until the pizza arrived. All thoughts of arguing were forgotten as Dan raced to the door to get the food. Not more than five minutes later, Dan was walking back to the small counter located in the dorm room. PJ and Chris had already sat down, waiting for the delivery of the food. The smell of the pizza filled the room. It could only be described as sweet, savory, and most definitely unhealthy. But heavenly all the same.

Dan set the box down and opened it. Of course, he had gotten all the available sauces. Call him crazy, but he wouldn’t eat his pizza and chicken nuggets without them. The other two boys always just rolled their eyes at Dan’s stupid antics. He not only used ranch and bbq sauce, but also buffalo sauce, honey mustard, and mustard.

The three ate, too consumed by their food to talk. Dan seemed to be having a religious experience whilst PJ and Chris were honestly too afraid to ask about the strangely sexual noises escaping their friend’s mouth. It took nearly an hour for all of the food to be eaten. Probably because Dan ended up crying at “how good it was.” Sometimes it was surprising that he didn’t major in theatre. He was a real drama queen and would be perfect for 90% of the lead male roles. Despite that, Dan ended falling asleep, dramatically sprawled out on the ground, a half-eaten pizza slice still in his hand.

Chris didn’t want to try and move Dan, in fear of waking him up, and PJ thought it was too funny to even think about moving him. Instead, the two decided to clean up and then head to bed. Somehow it was already past midnight, and tomorrow was the day Uni started, so sleep would be essential if they wanted to be fully ready for the new semester.


	2. Chapter 2

Regretfully, Dan woke up with a throbbing headache. With a pathetic sigh, he got up. His back cracked and the pizza in his hand from the night before fell to the floor. With an overdramatic wrench, he bent down and picked it up. It was definitely too cold, and now dirty, to eat. Instead, Dan shrugged it off and threw it into the bin.

Now though, he was hungry. It was the day school started. Many thoughts whirled through Dan’s head as he grabbed a bowl and poured himself cereal and milk. He sat at the counter and ate silently. He was the first one up, which was a good thing in the long run. It was only about 8:00 A.M., which gave Dan almost 3 and a half hours until his first class started. 

Dan hadn’t even finished eating his breakfast before Chris woke up to find him staring off into space, half of his now soggy cereal still in front of him.

“Good morning. Enjoy the floor last night?”

Dan snapped out of his trance to look at Chris, who was smirking at him. He had clearly just gotten out of bed. His hair was an oily mess and his voice was still groggy. Dan just rolled his eyes.

“Yes, Chris. The floor was very comfortable. In fact, I believe it gave me not only a headache but a bad back as well. I’m 20! This shouldn’t happen!”

Chris shook his head enthusiastically as if he had invented the floor himself.

“Anyway, today’s the first day of the semester. How’re you feeling, mate?”

Dan looked up once again and shook his head, suddenly serious.

“Not great. I don’t really want to go back to law school for another whole year. I feel like it was hard enough to try and complete the first year. It’s like I’m learning Russian or something.”

Chris snickered and moved from where he was standing in the doorway to the cupboard so he could pour himself a bowl of cereal.

“Well, you picked it.”

Dan huffed and continued eating his cereal, realizing it had already turned into mush. 

They didn’t have to wait long until they could hear rustling from the room next to them. They both looked up to see a barely awake PJ covering himself up in a soft grey blanket that was half dragging on the ground. Their talking must’ve woken him up.

“Good morning Peej!”

He looked over and batted his eyes, trying to adjust to the bright sunlight.

“Morning you guys,” PJ’s voice was groggy, obviously still weighed down by sleep.

“Morning,” 

The room fell silent once again after Dan spoke. The boys were too absorbed in eating breakfast and trying to get ready for class to speak.

Dan didn’t have class until 11:30, which left him with about 30 minutes to get dressed and get to the class. He spent the first half of that time scrolling on his phone until Chris pestered him to get ready.

He grabbed a pair of black ripped jeans and pulled them on, along with a Muse band t-shirt. He pulled on his black Vans and swiftly put on his backpack before walking out of the door.

Dan headed out of the dorm rooms and found his way to his first class: English.

As he walked into class, a few minutes early, he nervously found a seat near the back of the room. Most of the students were already in their seats, which made Dan feel better.

“Hello, class-”

Dan directed his attention toward the professor as he heard his voice. His breathing almost hitched when he saw him. He was wearing a red and black button-up shirt, black jeans, and adorable black glasses. Dan’s eyes went big as he realized he just thought his professor was cute. And he wasn’t that much older than him. Oh god.

“My name is Phil Lester. But please, just call me Professor. I’m going to be your English professor for this semester.”

The class was over in an hour, as it was mostly introductions and going over the syllabus. But oh god. Dan couldn’t stop staring at the Professor. His black hair that he just wanted to comb his fingers through, his slender body, his lips. He couldn’t stop staring at his lips. He knew this was a bad thing. It was one thing to be gay and like guys, it was another to be gay and like your _professor_. And he had to deal with that _three times a week_. He tried his best not to think about it for the rest of the day, for fear his feeling might grow. 

The next class Dan had was maths. Probably his least favorite, but something he had to do nonetheless. He had an hour before it started so he went back to his dorm to grab a bottle of water and relieve his backpack of his English work. He then ate a quick snack before heading back out of the door.

He made it to maths and once again, sat in the back of the room. He didn’t like being at the front for fear he may be picked on for demonstrations or to answer questions, so he always sat further back.

This class seemed to go by much slower. The professor wasn’t as interesting either. She was just a regular maths teacher. Her name was something along the lines of Professor Pentland, at least the name rolled off the tongue, and she seemed nice enough.

Luckily, Dan only had one more class that day. And that, of course, was his major, law. That class also lasted for two hours instead of just one.

He sat patiently throughout the class, occasionally taking notes when the professor talked about the syllabus or important test dates. Finally though, after two hours of misery, Dan was able to leave the class.

He headed back to his dorm room, hoping either PJ or Chris would be there. He needed to tell someone about that professor. No matter how hard he tried, the image of him always floated back to the forefront of his mind. He had seemed so sad. He wanted to kiss the frown off of his face. He wanted to comfort him, to hold him. Oh _god_. He couldn’t already be in this deep. He saw him _once_ and he already couldn’t get him out of his mind? 

Dan rushed into the dorm and into his room. He threw his backpack onto the ground and ran his fingers through his hair. How the _hell_ could he already have feelings for someone that he barely knew? How was that even possible?

“Chris!”

Dan called out for the one friend that might be there. PJ was still in class, he had checked his schedule that was hung up on the fridge. They had all put their schedules there in case one of the other guys needed to check. But Chris shouldn’t be in class right now.

“Chris?”

He called out once more with no response. Frustrated, he put his head in his hands and took a few deep breaths. He needed to calm down. He took a few more breaths and sat down on his small bed. He didn’t know what to do. Suppress the feelings? Well, that’s never worked in the past. Instead, he decided to ignore it. How hard could that be?


	3. Chapter 3

Apparently ignoring your feelings was extremely hard. All Dan was thinking about was Phil. His black hair, cute glasses, pale skin, and perfect body. Why the hell couldn’t he think of anything else?

“Dan. Dan? Dan, are you ok?”

PJ snapped him out of his dazed state. He had been laying on his bed staring at the ceiling ‘ignoring’ his feelings for hours.

“Huh? Ya, I’m fine-”

Dan sat up in his bed to look towards his friend.

“What’s up?”

“Not much. Just, you’ve been laying there for the past _three_ hours doing _nothing_ and we wanted to make sure you were still alive.”

Dan coughed nervously.

“Ah- ya, I’m fine.”

PJ didn’t look convinced, but help wasn’t an option if there wasn’t a known problem. Dan did finally get out of bed and head to the kitchen. PJ wasn’t giving up so easily, so he followed.

“Dan, are you sure there’s nothing on your mind? You’re acting like you did over the summer... Unsure of yourself and highly self deprecating.”

It was obvious Dan was getting annoyed. People who tried to pry personal information out of him were never his friends. He was a private person, but PJ and Chris were his best friends and were supposed to be helping him.

“PJ, I’m _fine._ I’m just trying to figure something out. _On my own._ ”

With a sigh, PJ finally let the case go. He knew he wouldn’t get anything out of Dan by begging. And he didn’t want Dan to be mad at him either.

It took almost another week for Dan to finally come out of his room and talk to his roommates. He sat on the small couch in the living room and took a deep breath.

“I have a problem.”

Almost in unison, the two other boys responded.

“We know.”

Dan looked up, seemingly shocked that they could tell.

“Who is it, mate?”

Chris spoke. He was the older and wiser one to consult with. For almost everything from relationships to school work.

“Why do you always know everything? It’s like you can read minds or something. It’s quite annoying you know!”

His face was getting redder as he spoke. From embarrassment or anger, he wasn’t sure. Probably a bit of both. PJ sat silently, waiting for either one of the other boys to speak.

“Dan, calm down. Please. I know you’re upset, but I want to help you. Both of us do-”

Chris glanced over to PJ as if making sure what he said was true.

“Yes. Both of us.”

Once PJ spoke, Chris seemed satisfied and focused his attention back on Dan. 

“Remember over the summer we said that we would always be there for you? No matter what?”

Dan shook his head.

“Yes, but what does that have to do with this?”

Chris huffed, almost annoyed at Dan’s lack of understanding.

“You’re going through something right now. Right?”

Once again, he shook his head yes.

“Ok. So, we’re here to help. If you’ll tell us what’s going on. We can offer advice, and maybe even a solution. Ok? And you were the one who came out here wanting to talk about it. So please, tell us.”

Dan looked down nervously. He twiddled his thumbs and sat quietly, overall uncomfortable.

“Dan?”

PJ tried to get him to talk.

Finally, Dan took in a deep breath and spoke quickly and quietly, almost impossible to hear.

“I don’t know how it happened, but I think that I’m falling in love with Phil. And I don’t know if you know who that is but it’s a problem. Not only because he’s a boy, but because he’s my English professor. I haven’t even spoken to him or anything but I can’t stop thinking about him. And I can’t focus on anything else. I don’t know what to do because I’m pretty sure that it’s illegal or something to date a professor. And he’s probably not even gay. And-”

Chris cut him off before he had a full-on mental break down. He was already struggling to take in air and he was close to choking on his tears.

“Dan. It’s ok. Please, it’s going to be ok. Calm down. We’ll figure this out. And to answer your question, no it’s not illegal to date a professor, though highly frowned upon. It’s found unethical and in some situations, the professor could be fired.”

“I’m such an idiot, aren’t I? I shouldn’t have even told you. Because I’m disgusting. I don’t understand why you guys are even my friend. I’m such a fucking burden.”

“Dan! _Shut up._ You are not a burden, nor are you anything _near_ disgusting. _Please_ , stop calling yourself those awful things. And honestly, it’s fine that you like that professor. It’s totally ok. And we’re going to help you get with him.”

After PJ spoke, Dan had finally calmed down a bit. He rubbed his eyes, feeling stupidly childish.

“You’re going to help me? Why?”

Again, Chris huffed at Dan’s ignorance.

“Dan. We’re your friends and we said we would help you. And lucky for you, Phil is my age and we went to school together. He is, in fact, gay, but I have to warn you that he suffers from severe depression. We were never friends or anything, but we spoke a couple of times.”

A flicker of hope flashed on Dan’s face for a split second before disappearing again.

“How are you going to help me? How am I supposed to possibly get his attention? Especially as one of his students?”

At last, Dan accepted his friends’ help. And he was willing to take it. The three spoke deep into the night, brainstorming the best ways for Dan to go about this.

Of course, the best idea came from Chris. Though it was inspired by something PJ mentioned.

“Just be yourself. You’re usually a cheerful person, so act like it. And once you feel comfortable enough, slip your number onto one of your assignments.”

That was the plan Dan had accepted. He was already willing to take the chance. The worst thing that could happen was Phil ignored it. It couldn’t be that bad. Plus, he already acted happy in class. Occasionally, he would even see Phil smiling at him. That was a good thing, right?

Dan fell asleep that night with a contented smile on his face.

The next day was Thursday. That meant that he would see Phil. And luckily, they were doing a lecture so it would be a longer class, and there was always something that needed to be turned in at the end. That meant it was the perfect day to give the professor his phone number.

Dan’s alarm went off at 6:00 A.M. As groggy as he felt, he was anticipating the moment he could see Phil again. He quickly got out of his bed and walked into the kitchen. Through his excitement, he ended up making the other boys coffee and breakfast. Apparently, excitement equaled productivity for Dan. After eating, he rushed to the bathroom to take a quick shower and then get dressed.

He wore his favorite black ripped jeans and an oversized grey jumper with ‘sexual fantasies’ written in red on the sleeves. He straightened his hair, threw on his black zip-up sneakers, and left before saying goodbye.

In his eagerness to make it to English, Dan arrived almost 30 minutes early. It wouldn’t have been such a big deal if it didn’t leave him and Phil alone. Faking confidence, Dan walked into the classroom and smiled at the professor. He was just going to walk to the back of the class, but Phil stopped him before he could.

“Hey. Daniel, right?”

Hearing Phil call him Daniel made blood rush to places he was trying to ignore at the moment. He hadn’t expected to be talked to, so he hesitated before answering.

“Oh, ya, sorry. You can call me Dan though.”

Phil’s voice seemed to be even more beautiful than Dan had first noticed. This was the first time he had had a conversation with him, alone. When he was teaching, his voice was more rough, almost strained. But now, it seemed smoother… deeper. More erotic and sensual, in Dan’s opinion.

“So, Dan, what are you studying?”


	4. Chapter 4

Phil, for the first time in _years,_ was smiling. Actually smiling. He would never admit it, but this student was the only person who had been able to make him happy in a long time. He had struggled with depression for most of his life and nothing ever helped. The meds, therapy, doctor visits, all a waste. But Dan. He was different. He was always happy. And being able to talk to him was like magic. Somehow a cure had been delivered to him in human form. Being around Dan was the only thing that ever seemed to make him happy. He was falling for Dan. Which wasn’t good. But he was going to try and hold onto him while he could.

“I’m studying law, Professor.”

“You can call me Phil. We’re not in class right now.”

Dan swallowed nervously.

“Ok then, Phil. My god, I’m so awkward, aren’t I?”

Phil chuckled and flicked a piece of hair out of his face.

“No, I think it’s adorable.”

Dan could feel his face going red. Had he really just been flirted with? Whatever it was definitely shouldn’t be allowed between a student and a teacher, but neither of them cared.

Sadly, their conversation was cut short by students shuffling into the classroom. Dan smiled awkwardly back at Phil before rushing to the back of the class and sitting down.

The lecture seemed to go by quickly, but not before Dan was able to slip his number onto the top corner of his work and turn it in with a short “text me” written. As Dan walked out of the class, he smiled at Phil and gestured towards his phone. A signal for him not to forget once he saw the note.

Phil, luckily, had noticed Dan’s swift motion. He smiled wearily and shuffled through the papers on his desk, his eyes quickly landing on Dan’s. He picked it up slowly, examining it carefully before finally spotting the corner where a phone number was written.

“Oh, Daniel, if only you knew what you were getting yourself into…”

He shook his head, knowing this was a bad idea. They obviously both wanted this though and as long as nobody found out, it should be fine. 

Once Phil’s day finally came to an end, he went back home to his small apartment near the uni. It was only about a ten-minute walk which gave him both a bit of exercise, and the outside air that his therapists had always told him could cheer him up. It never did, but he still liked to believe that someday it would help.

The walk came to an end once he made it to the top floor of the building, where his apartment was located. He stuck the keys in the door and jiggled them until the door finally unlocked. Stepping inside, he threw his laptop bag to the ground, took off his shoes, and headed over to the couch. He didn’t have the energy to cook, so he ended up skipping dinner.

As Phil watched anime on his laptop, he couldn’t stop thinking about the boy he had talked to earlier that day. He should probably text him and let him know he saw his note.

Phil: _hey dan, its phil_

It was very informal, but it would work.

Dan: _hi! how r u_

It hadn’t even been 5 minutes when Dan texted back. From then on, a whole conversation was started.

Phil: _im good now that I’m talking to you_

Phil: _how about you_

Dan _: honestly im surprised you actually texted me_

Phil: _i wasn’t just going to ignore you lmao_

Phil: _plus I had nothing better to do with my evening_

Dan: _im glad you chose to waste it on me_

Phil: _its not a waste if im enjoying it_

Dan: _enjoying it?_

Phil: _yes_

Dan: _so am i :)_

The conversation continued, progressively getting more and more personal. Phil opened up about his depression, something he seldom talked about, and Dan talked about his sexuality problems. They were, in a way, able to comfort one another. It was like they had finally found a safe place. Somehow the two had instantly clicked. A match so perfect and ethereal it was only talked about in fairy tales. They were lucky really, to have one another, even if they didn’t know it yet. 

The two texted for almost four hours. They only stopped when Dan ended up falling asleep, an unfinished message still lighting up his screen.


	5. Chapter 5

When Dan awoke the next morning, he was mildly disbelieving about what had happened the night before. No way had something that amazing happened. Even if it was just a dream, it had been a good one. That’s what he thought at least, so he was surprised when he saw the text conversation on his phone. A smile hung on his face as he reread the messages. Though his eyes stopped when he saw the most recent text from Phil, which he had presumably fallen asleep before it was sent.

Phil: _i dont know if this is too soon but would you like to get some coffee together?_

Dan felt his heartbeat quicken and the smile on his face widen. It felt as if he were floating. He was most definitely light-headed. Oh, what it was like to be on a high from love.

Quickly, before the opportunity ceased, Dan texted back with shaky hands.

Dan: _YES_

Dan: _this weekend is good… where at?_

Though Phil was probably already teaching. Dan couldn’t help but feel anxious. What if Phil changed his mind? What if he’s pushing this too much? Is this a bad idea?

He already knew the answer to the last question, but he would do everything to ignore it. 

“Good morning, mate.”

PJ interrupted Dan’s train of thought as he popped his head into Dan’s room.

“Are you getting up? Chris has very nicely made us breakfast. Only one more day until the weekend. You don’t take classes then, right?”

Dan looked up and answered.

“Ya, I’m up. And no, I don’t take any weekend classes. I use that time to study.”

PJ nodded and then headed back towards the kitchen.

Eventually, Dan got up as well. He took a quick look in the mirror and ruffled his hair a bit before heading into the kitchen.

“Morning. Thanks for breakfast, Chris.”

The two friends looked up.

“You’re welcome. Oh, also, do you want to go to a party this weekend?”

Dan had to stifle a laugh. Dan’s always vowed to being an introvert and would _never_ be caught dead at a big social event like a party.

“ _No._ Chris, do you really think I’m one to go to a party.”

Chris frowned.

“No, but I thought I’d ask anyway.”

“Are _you_ going, PJ.”

PJ looked between the two of them and laughed.

“I suppose I’ll go with Chris. I’ve got nothing better to do. Why won’t you come?”

Dan huffed, not wanting to give out too much information about what he may be doing that weekend with a certain someone.

“I’ve already told you. I get too much anxiety from those kinds of things. Plus, I might go hang out with some friends.”

Chris rolled his eyes.

“Mate, what friends? I thought we were your only friends.”

PJ laughed while Dan opened and closed his mouth trying to find the right words to say.

“ _Hey_! That’s none of your business. I don’t ask about your _other_ friends. And I _do_ have other friends, _for your information_.”

Dan’s phone buzzed and he felt his stomach flip. He quickly dug the phone out of his pocket and looked at the text.

Phil: _this weekend works_

Phil: _meet me at the sky bar on saturday at 5 :)_

Dan audibly gasped, freaking out, and quickly typed a reply.

Dan: _sounds good_

Dan: _cant wait_

“Who was that? Was it Phil?!”

Dan looked up, face going red, to see Chris trying to peek at his phone screen.

“Like I said… none of your business. And why would you think I would be texting Phil anyway? Now, if you will excuse me, I have to get ready for today’s classes.”

With that, Dan got up and headed back to his small room.

He quickly threw on a pair of skinny jeans, a black tee, and some shoes he found lying on the ground. He then headed to the shared bathroom to brush his teeth and straighten his hair.

Once he was finally done, he headed out of the dorm and then to his classes.

The day went by slowly, as usual, and Dan ended up home with a small stack of homework and lots of new material to study. He had already told PJ and Chris to leave him alone so that he could finish quickly. He sat down at his desk and pulled out a few of his notebooks. He was determined to get the majority of his work and studying done tonight so he could enjoy his time with Phil the next day.

Dan worked for hours on end. He had finished all of his English--though he was distracted by Phil the whole time, a lab paper, and his maths homework, which had taken the longest as he didn’t understand most of it. When found himself dozing off while writing a law paper, and decided to call it a night.

He struggled to sleep that night, anticipation and nerves for his date tomorrow floating around in the pit of his stomach. When he did finally fall asleep that night, he dreamt of Phil. His beautiful hair, lips, chest, legs. Everything about him. He had dreamt of kissing him and running his fingers through his hair. Of being kissed back and fingers running over each other’s chests. Roaming hands and feeling each other’s bodies. Oh god was he in deep.

He awoke the next morning in a cold sweat. That dream has really beat him up. And that’s all Dan was going to be able to think about when he saw Phil. He rolled over and checked his phone. It was already noon, and he had a text from Phil.

Phil: _cant wait to see you later_

The now-familiar feeling of butterflies filled his stomach as he texted back a reply.

Dan: _me too_

There were only five hours until Dan was going to see Phil and the nerves were killing him. He spent almost an hour staring at his wardrobe, trying to decide what would be best for him to wear. In the end, he went with a dark green plaid shirt, a pattern he knew Phil loved, and a pair of blue jeans, something he didn’t usually wear, but went well with the outfit. He through on his black pair or Vans and rushed into the kitchen to get breakfast. 

“Are you going somewhere?”

Of course, PJ and Chris were both in the living room. It was PJ that asked the question though.

“Erm- yes? I’m going to hang out with friends later. I told you that, didn’t I.”

Chris looked unamused.

“I’m glad to know Phil asked you out. Just don’t let anyone find out.”

Dan’s jaw dropped and pure shock covered his face.

“How the _hell_ did you know? And I wasn’t even planning on telling you guys. But I guess you know now. And Chris, I don’t trust you anymore. Are you going through my messages?”

Dan’s accusation was quickly pushed away when PJ spoke. 

“No, Dan, it’s just because we’re your best friends. We literally live with you. And so it’s pretty obvious.”

At this, Dan’s body became stiff, a new kind of nerves filling him.

“So… does that mean it’s going to be obvious to everyone? I don’t want to get in trouble. It’s bad enough that I’m gay. What are people going to do if they find out I’m dating a professor?”

Dan was visibly stressed and his voice had become softer, almost shaky. Though PJ was quick to reassure him.

“No, no, no. It’s only because we live with you and have known you for so long that we’ve noticed. Don’t worry, I doubt anybody will be able to tell. Just don’t go making out in class or being super flirtatious. Keep that behind closed doors. Until you graduate at least…”

Dan smiled a bit, at the thought that they could still be together when he graduated.

“Now, get some food and have fun later. If you’re not home tonight, we won’t worry.”

Chris winked, trying to be annoying, as Dan rolled his eyes and poured himself some cereal.

He ate quickly and went to the bathroom to finish getting ready. He spent another hour just trying to straighten his hair and put some hairspray in it so it looked presentable.

Finally, after looking in the mirror and fidgeting with his look, it was time to go. 


	6. Chapter 6

The nerves and excitement Dan was feeling couldn’t be described in words as he walked towards the Hilton hotel, where the Sky Bar was located.

Luckily, Phil was waiting at the entrance, looking better than ever. His hair was straightened and he was wearing an adorable red plaid shirt, one that Dan had only seen him wear a few times, but had already decided on as his favorite, and black skinny jeans that definitely made Phil look hot.

Dan ran up to him and smiled. Everything felt weirdly natural. There was no awkward tension, something Dan had been worrying about. 

“Hi! You look really good.”

Phil was notably anxious, his words coming out a bit quick and choppy.

“So do you! I like that shirt a lot, it looks really good on you.”

Dan looked down, as if trying to remind himself of what he was wearing, and looked back up with a big smile. 

“It’s one of my favorites too, I only wear it for special occasions. I’m glad you like it.”

Dan chuckled and realized they should probably go inside. Luckily Phil was one step ahead of him. He gently clasped Dan’s hand and started walking towards the entrance. Dan followed suit, a goofy, love-struck smile plastered on his face.

Once they got to the restaurant, the two sat down and looked at the menus, though they were both too nervous to eat a big meal.

“Do you want to share something? I’m not very hungry and I don’t have a ton of money to spend.”

Phil looked up at Dan who’s brows were scrunched up in thought.

“If you want to. I’m paying though, so please don’t worry about that. And I’m not very hungry either. Is there anything in particular that you want?”

Dan quickly looked over the menu until he found something that looked appetizing. 

“The pasta looks good, do you want to split that?”

Phil smiled lovingly towards the younger boy and nodded.

“Sounds great.”

Once the waitress came by, Phil ordered the food, making sure to ask for two plates.

Whilst waiting for that food, the two boys couldn’t help but feel fidgety. They weren’t entirely sure what to talk about, and Dan was trying his best not to be awkward. Though he had somehow found Phil’s leg with his foot and was now playfully dragging his foot up and down, occasionally catching Phil’s gaze and smiling. At one point Phil caught his gaze and didn’t look away.

“You have beautiful eyes, you know? I could get lost in them.”

Phil was smiling fondly at the boy who was now a bit shocked and flustered.

“Th- thank you.”

Dan was much too nervous to know how to respond but ended up not having to, as the food finally arrived. 

The waitress sat two glasses of water in front of them, along with a large plate of pasta, and two smaller ones so they could split it up. They thanked her and she smiled before walking away.

“Looks good.”

Dan looked up excitedly as Phil took a bite.

“Tastes good, too.”

So much could be said at that moment, but the boys were too caught up in their drunken love and ended up giggling instead.

After taking a few more bites of the pasta, Dan sat back in his seat, giggling and smiling, though he finally stopped enough to speak.

“I don’t ever want to leave you… I don’t know what I would do if I did.”

He stopped laughing after that as he realized what he said.

“Sorry…”

Phil couldn’t help but laugh, pure joy was all he felt.

“What if you come back to my place? Then we can keep being together. We won’t have to be so quiet anymore.”

His voice was just above a whisper, obviously tired, but loving all the same.

Dan looked up, shock and anticipation on his face.

“Really?”

Phil nodded, smiling widely.

The two quickly finished eating, now wanting to get back to Phil’s place. Phil paid before smiling at Dan, and excitingly dragging him out of the restaurant and down the street to his apartment building.

Once they got into the apartment, Dan could feel his cheeks hurting from smiling too much. His eyes glistened with the excitement of a child, finally walking into the home of the one they had fallen for. Phil laughed, seeing the joy in Dan’s face.

“Would you like to sit down?”

Dan turned around to look at Phil who was just as giggly and nervous as him.

“Sure.”

As if on second thought, Dan ran over to Phil and hugged him. Quickly, Phil hugged back. Both of them had been longing to do that since their first conversation. There was just never an appropriate time.

Dan rested his head on Phil’s chest, as Dan was just a bit shorter. They hugged for what seemed like centuries. Warm and comfortable in each other’s embrace. A feeling of safety they didn’t know they lacked. 

Dan whispered into Phil’s chest.

“I needed this.”

Phil responded by hugging him tighter.

“Me too.”

Eventually, they pulled out of the hug, still standing in the small hallway leading from the door to the living room. Dan looked up at Phil and bit his lip. The boys made eye contact, both trying their very best to contain themselves.

“Phil…”

Too many thoughts and worries ran through Phil’s head. It was too risky.

“Dan, I’m so sorry. We can’t. You _know_ we can’t.”

Dan moved even closer to him. Lust and need clear in his eyes.

“We don’t have to tell anyone. No one will know. It can be our secret. Please. I _need_ you, Phil. You make me happy… Happier than anyone else.”

They knew this was wrong. Students and teachers shouldn’t be together. If they got caught, they could both be in huge trouble. They needed it though. They needed each other. Dan was the only person who actually made Phil happy. Who finally made Phil _want_ to live. 

And Phil. Phil was the light of Dan’s life. He made Dan feel accepted as he was. He made him feel comfortable with his sexuality. He made him feel perfect as he was.

“Please, Phil. I’m begging you.”

There was no more arguing. Phil shakily moved his hand to Dan’s cheek. Cupping it as if it was a fragile piece of porcelain. Although Dan had kissed people many times, he felt like it was his first time all over again. They moved towards each other slowly. Still too worried they might mess it up. 

Phil was the one to finally break the space in between them. His soft lips touched Dan’s and a million butterflies erupted in the pit of his stomach How could he be kissing someone so perfect? Someone so gentle and kind? He didn’t deserve this. But Dan wanted it, and so did Phil.

Phil pulled away slowly and rested his forehead on Dan’s. He was smiling. They both were. Though they needed to experience more than that. Phil pressed his lips back onto Dan’s, smiling into the kiss. Dan moved his arms so that they were circling Phil’s neck and pulled him closer. Phil’s tongue swept across Dan’s bottom lip, causing him to gasp and allowing Phil to access the rest of his mouth. They fought for dominance, Phil quickly winning. The kiss was slow and sloppy, but loving and passionate all the same. 

Only did they break the kiss for breath. Dan smiled up at Phil, wanting to kiss him again, but knowing better than to push his limits.

“Thank you.”

Phil smiled down lovingly at the younger boy.

“Of course… we just have to… be careful.”

Hope shined in Dan’s eyes and new excitement boiled in his stomach.

“Does that mean we can be together?”

Phil nodded slowly, still unsure that this whole thing was a good idea.


	7. Chapter 7

It seemed like many moons since Dan and Phil had started dating. Months have gone by and it was now the spring semester. They had been extremely careful, never taking any pictures together or even really talking during school. The only people that knew about the two were Chris and PJ, Dan’s roommates, who promised they would keep the information a secret.

Tonight, Phil had invited Dan over to his place, a usual thing by now. It was rare for Dan to sleep in his own dorm room. They knew that was a risk in of itself, but it was one they were willing to take.

“Phil!”

Dan ran into the apartment and tackled his boyfriend onto the small dark grey sofa, giggling immensely. Phil gave him a peck on the lips as he pushed Dan off of him.

“Hi! You’re happy today.”

Dan nodded his head, still giggling and clinging onto Phil.

“Ya! I’ve been looking forward to seeing you since I haven’t talked to you all day.”

Phil laughed, not able to contain his love for the boy, and placed his lips back to Dan’s, this time making the kiss slower and more passionate. Dan pushed him back onto the couch as he slipped his soft hands into Dan’s hair and ran his fingers through it slowly, making Dan lean into the kiss more. 

They broke apart, but only for a second so that they could reposition themselves. Phil was now sitting in the crook of the couch with Dan straddling him. Quickly, and needy, Dan went back to kissing Phil. He smiled as he pressed his lips back to Phil’s. The older boy arched his back, giving him better access to Dan’s mouth. He sucked on Dan’s bottom lip and eventually ended up sliding his tongue into his mouth. He moaned into the kiss, grinding his hips down onto Phil and already feeling blood rushing south. Panting, they broke apart, only for Phil to move his kisses down to Dan’s extremely sensitive neck. He left love bites all over, leaving Dan a fidgety and moaning mess. Eventually, the two made it to Phil’s bed, both extremely aroused.

-

“Good morning, love.”

Phil leaned over and pressed his lips to the top of Dan’s head, trying his best to wake him slowly.

Dan’s eyes opened, blinking multiple times to adjust to the sunlight. He yawned, almost kitten-like, and snuggled closer to Phil. 

“Morning,”

Dan finally spoke, though his voice was groggy from sleep, and he was almost incomprehensible. 

“How are you feeling?”

He was sore from the night before, but he wouldn’t take it back for anything. Dan buried his head in Phil’s chest, slightly embarrassed at the pain he was feeling.

“M’ fine. Just a little sore.”

Phil sighed, and gave him another loving kiss on the head, causing Dan to smile.

“I’m sorry, babe. I don’t have anything to do today if you want to lie in bed?”

Dan nodded his head.

“Hmm.. yes please.”

Finally, Dan moved a bit and softly kissed Phil on the lips. The older boy smiled and hugged Dan closer to him, letting him fall back to sleep.

It was almost noon when the two finally got up. Phil had groggily woken back up and decided to make coffee. He walked into the kitchen, immediately turning on the coffee pot and finding two mugs. The smell of coffee, apparently, was enough to get Dan out of bed. He came up behind Phil and hugged him, resting his head on Phil’s shoulder and giving him a quick peck on the cheek.

“Morning, babe.”

Phil smiled and tried to look behind him at Dan.

“Morning. I have cereal for breakfast if that’s ok?”

Dan nodded.

“That’s fine. I’m probably going to have to get back to the dorms soon, I realized I never told PJ and Chris where I was going.”

Phil frowned, realization on his face.

“Can’t you just text them?”

He considered it for a brief second before agreeing. If that would give him more time with Phil, then he would definitely do it.

“Ok.”

He unhooked his arms from around Phil and grabbed his phone off of the counter. He opened to his texts and went to PJ’s, smiling as he saw all the previous times he had talked about Phil via text. He wrote out a short message, explaining where he was and then asking if he could tell Chris as well.

“Ok, done!”

Phil smiled, pouring them both a cup of freshly made coffee. He added two cream and two sugar before handing it to his boyfriend.

“Thanks!”

The two sat on the couch, snuggled closely together and turned on the tv, deciding to watch something for the rest of the day. It was such a nice feeling, having a lover so close. He could feel Dan’s warm breath on his arm, as he held him as close as possible. For the first time in a while, Phil actually relaxed.

-

PJ picked up his phone, sighing as he saw the notification from Dan. Nowadays, the text was bound to be about Phil, as it always was. Don’t get him wrong, PJ was happy that Dan had finally found someone he loved, and Phil was genuinely an amazing person, but he wished that didn’t mean losing his best friend. Of course, he still had Chris, but it just wasn’t the same without Dan around.

After some thought, PJ finally came up with a plan to sort Dan out. He didn’t want to do any harm, he just wanted to get Dan to spend more time with them. He huffed, scrolling through weeks’ worth of messages. All of them were about Phil. 

_I’m going over to Phil’s. Phil is so amazing, you don’t understand. I’m at Phil’s place._

The texts continued, a different variation of words about Phil each time. Huffing, PJ took a few screenshots of the texts, creating a group message with Dan and Chris. He sent the photos, hoping Dan would realize what he was doing. His only intention was to point out the fact that Phil was the only person Dan ever talked about now. Little did he know, he was about to start the biggest drama of his lifetime… 


	8. Chapter 8

Dan’s mum looked at her phone, seeing the group text from PJ. She picked it up, seeing as he wouldn’t usually text her, especially at the same time as Dan and Chris. Perhaps it was a mistake, he only had her phone number for emergencies. Either way, she curiously opened the text, taking in a sharp breath as she read, almost certain her eyes deceived her. 

He had sent them screenshots of his and Dan’s conversations talking about Dan’s boyfriend, who she could easily tell was a professor at the school, otherwise, he wouldn’t be so keen on hiding the relationship. And the way he talked about him made it even clearer, saying they could get in trouble if it got out, definitely a red flag.

This couldn’t have been on purpose. But now she knew, she was going to do something about it. She would never approve of her son dating a professor. A boy, she didn’t mind, but certainly not a professor.

-

Dan snuggled back into Phil’s arms, just lying back on the couch from getting water. They snuggled closely together, still enjoying each other’s warmth. It was a mildly rainy day, so being with each other was even more comforting than usual.

“Phil?”

The boy hummed, tiredness almost overtaking him.

“Yes?”

Dan smiled and looked up at him.

“I love you.”

Butterflies erupted in Phil’s stomach, shocked that Dan had just said those three powerful words. All he could do was stutter out a response. Nevertheless, his doubts seemed to get the best of him.

“I- are you sure?”

Dan’s cheeks flushed, not knowing what response he was expecting, though he was a bit upset Phil hadn’t reciprocated the words.

“Yes, I’m sure. I’ll say it again. I love you.”

Phil felt his stomach flip again. He wasn’t entirely sure what to say, so he just hugged Dan closer to him and whispered in his ear.

“I love you too.”

They lay back, eventually falling into a light sleep.

A buzz from Dan’s phone brought him out of his dreamy daze. He reached over and grabbed it off of the coffee table in front of the sofa. It was a text from PJ.

He had been expecting a quick ok, definitely not the group text he had gotten, revealing all of his messages with PJ talking about Phil to not only Chris but his mum. There was a short message written as well, explaining how PJ wanted Dan to hang out with them more instead of spending all of his free time with Phil. Surely this was a mistake. PJ wouldn’t do this to him. He promised he wouldn’t tell anyone. Though maybe he was angry with Dan for being so distant and he wanted revenge. No. He knew PJ and this isn’t something he would do.

He felt guilty, and anxiety was beginning to take over his thoughts, he had no idea how his mum would respond to this. She knew he was gay, but she never made him feel accepted. No matter what she said. And now she could see private messages Dan had sent PJ about Phil. She would figure out he was a professor quickly. From what Dan had said about Phil, it wouldn’t be hard to figure out.

He had started to panic without realizing it. His shakiness and small sniffs must’ve woken Phil as he was now holding Dan in his arms, stroking his hair and whispering into his ear.

“It’s ok. Whatever’s wrong will get better. Don’t worry. I’m here. Nothing can hurt you. Everything will be ok. It will get better. Just take deep breaths. We’ll get through this together. I love you…”

Phil was always comforting to Dan. He always made him feel safe. Dan basked in the caring words and finally calmed down, finally believing what had been said. _It will be ok._ Somehow Phil always seemed to be able to fight his demons off, always making him feel better about a bad situation. Nobody had ever been able to do that before.

“Thank you.”

Phil gave him a gentle kiss on the head, not wanting to disturb him too much.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Just Phil’s offer made Dan feel better about the situation, though he wasn’t sure talking about it would be any good. He might say the wrong thing and fuck everything up a little more. 

“No, but I’m going to have to go back to the dorms. Otherwise, I might actually get in trouble. And I need to talk to PJ about something important.”

Thankfully, Phil seemed understanding. He smiled sadly and gave Dan a peck on the lips before hugging him goodbye. 

-

Dan arrived back at the dorms, flushed and with tears still threatening to spill from his eyes.

“PJ?”

Dan called out into the dorms, hoping his roommate would be somewhere inside. Luckily, he heard a voice call out from one of the rooms.

“I'm here, Dan!”

Anxiety flowing through him, Dan walked past his own bedroom door and walked into PJ’s, the next one over.

“Hi! I’m glad to see you’re finally home.”

Dan stood in the doorway, stiff as a block, realizing he actually had to face this problem.

“Dan? Are you ok.”

He shook his head.

“No.”

Worry for his friend seemed to take over PJ’s happy smile.

“What’s wrong? Did something happen between you and Phil?”

Nerves seemed to keep Dan quiet for a few moments longer before he swallowed it down and answered the question.

“No. Everything’s fine between us. This is about that text. I wish you would’ve just told me in person. We could’ve worked things out. I didn’t mean to make Phil more important than you guys. And I certainly wasn’t trying to ignore you. I’m sorry if I did. I wish you hadn’t done it though. I don’t know what this is going to mean for Phil and me.”

PJ felt a pang of guilt, remembering the texts he had sent earlier that day, but he wasn’t sure why Dan was so upset over it.

“Oh. I- I’m sorry, Dan. Chris, of course, already knew about you and Phil though so I don’t think you should be worried about that. And it’s fine, I think I just missed you, that’s all. It’s not the same here without your chaotic energy around.”

PJ gave Dan a smile, before realizing something still wasn’t right.

“Dan?”

He shook his head.

“You didn’t have to send them to my mum as well. I would’ve been fine if it were just Chris. I wouldn’t have cared. But you took it a bit far by texting my mum, don’t you think?”

PJ’s smile faded, not understanding what Dan meant.

“Your mum? I don’t recall texting your mum?”

“Check the group chat. My mum’s in it.”

Quickly, and with worry now filling him, PJ opened the group text, seeing that Mrs. Howell was definitely in it. His heartbeat sped, realizing this fatal mistake.

“Oh. Oh god. No, Dan. I- I had no idea. I don’t know how that happened. Wait, she hasn’t responded or anything. Maybe she hasn’t seen it. I can just remove her and she won’t be able to see them.”

He nervously fumbled around with his phone, making sure to take Dan’s mum out of the conversation. He felt even worse now, knowing the kind of emotional damage this could’ve caused for Dan. He would never want to do that to him.

“What’s done is done. It’s ok. I know you’re sorry.”

And with that, Dan walked back into his room and fell into his bed. It was slightly early to go to sleep, but he was much too exhausted to deal with anything else that night.

-

Dan’s phone rang, once, twice. He rolled over from where he was lying in bed, still struggling to sleep, to reach it. He looked at the caller ID and his heart dropped. 

_Mum_.

“Hi, mum. It’s past midnight. Is something wrong?”

“Daniel. You know why I’m calling.”

Her voice was stern and cold as ice. It was terrifying how murderous a voice could sound. Especially when it was your own mother.

“No? What’s wrong?”

Of course, he knew why she was calling, he just was praying to any god out there he was wrong.

“Yes, you do. Stop trying to get around the problem. You can’t pretend like I don’t know. And this needs to stop. If it continues I will contact the school.”

Dan gulped. Tears pricked his eyes like a needle would his skin.

“Mum?”

His voice caught in his throat.

“Mum? I- I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Daniel _stop_ trying to pretend! I’m not stupid. And if you’re not broken up with that… with that _pedophile_ by _tomorrow,_ I will be contacting the school. And you won’t be allowed back to this house… at all. This is not acceptable.”

She had been calm until then. She was yelling now, and Dan was too. The conversation had picked up much quicker than he thought it would. He didn’t have time to think about what he was saying, but he damn well knew he wouldn’t settle for Phil being called a pedophile.

_“He’s not a pedophile! Mum, he’s four years older than me! He’s the same age as Chris! I’m not breaking up with him!”_

There was silence for a while where all that could be heard from either end of the phone was Dan sobbing. Wet, salty tears streaming down his face, and occasionally flowing into his mouth, causing him to choke on his breath. Everything was going so quickly. There was no time for this information to process. 

Finally, Dan broke the silence with a broken whisper.

“I love him, mum.”

And she answered.

“I’m sorry, but it needs to be done.”

She hung up.

Dan rolled over and sobbed into his pillow. Uncontrollable, shaky sobs. He wanted to be back in Phil’s arms. There he had felt safe and believed things would be alright. But now he felt like his short life was ending. He wanted to throw up. He wanted to die.


	9. Chapter 9

Dan woke up in the morning to his alarm screaming at him. He rolled over to shut it off, feeling sick to his stomach as he recalled the conversation from the night before. Tears stained his cheeks and spit had gathered at the corners of his mouth. He was a wreck. He didn’t know how to control his emotions. But he knew he had to break it off with Phil. It was for the sake of both of their safety.

He really didn’t want to get out of bed that morning, though he knew that not going to school would be bad. Phil would be worried about him, and PJ would feel worse than he already did. Dan did know it was a mistake, and he had forgiven his friend, but the guilt PJ felt was worse than he could imagine.

“Dan? You’re getting up, right? I can make breakfast if you want?”

Dan looked over, still in a dazed state, to see Chris worriedly peering in through his door. 

“What? Oh… ya, I’m getting up. Don’t worry about breakfast though, I’m not hungry.”

Chris seemed more upset than usual, probably just worried for the sake of both of his friends. Dan was falling into a depressed state and PJ was guilt-ridden for being the cause of it. Thankfully Chris was there, barely holding them together.

It took another twenty minutes for Dan to finally force himself out of bed. It was pretty obvious both PJ and Chris had heard the conversation with his mum and he didn’t want to deal with them just yet. The walls in the dorm were very thin, and the boys were always up late. Dan’s head started to pound just thinking about it. This whole mess he had caused. As he made his way to the kitchen, Dan desperately wished he could disappear.

“Morning, Dan.”

The sound of PJ’s soft voice filled the room, trying to sound normal, though it was clear he wasn’t doing too well. He had dark circles under his eyes and he was nervously tapping his leg, over and over again. Chris, on the other hand, was sitting at the counter, ready to help either of them if need be.

“Morning.”

Dan’s voice came out as more of a whisper, almost physically unable to speak from sobbing the night before.

“Do you guys need anything? There’s coffee already made. I can get you some!”

Chris broke the looming silence, doing his best to help both Dan and PJ feel at least a bit better, though nothing seemed to be helping.

“Let me know if I can get you anything at all, ok guys?”

The friends shook their heads, letting Chris know they heard him and went back to their own thoughts.

PJ was sat on the couch, fully ready to go off to class, and Dan was heading back to the bathroom to get ready. He barely had the energy to get up, much less shower and straighten his hair, so he instead ended up just brushing it. Afterward, he brushed his teeth and popped back into his room to get dressed. He put on his usual black skinny jeans and a hoodie before grabbing his school bag and heading off, realizing he was almost late to his first class of the day… the one he was dreading the most.

As he headed to class, Dan couldn’t help but think about Phil. He’s all Dan ever thought about. He had to swallow the lump in his throat, pressuring him to start crying again. He promised himself he would be fine. He could always find someone else. Though in the back of his mind, Dan knew that would never happen. Nobody was like Phil. He had to break it off today before he talked himself out of it.

Dan continued walking, quicker than before, trying to outrun his problems. He knew it wasn’t possible, but at least he could focus on something other than Phil for the few moments he had before he entered the class. And once he did, he couldn’t even bring himself to look at Phil. Usually, they would at least smile at each other, but not today. Dan kept his hands in his pockets with his head down and walked straight to the back of the class. He wouldn’t even look up once he sat down. His heart was beating too quickly. Nothing Phil was saying would process. Just hearing his voice made Dan want to throw up.

Dan practically ran out of the class once it was over. There was no way in hell he was going to be able to break up with Phil. Or at least, that’s what he thought. Phil had stopped him before he reached the door. He had grabbed his arm and pulled him out of the way, waiting for the rest of the students to leave. Dan’s heartbeat sped even quicker and he could feel himself shaking. He was _not_ allowing himself to have an anxiety attack. No matter what. 

“Dan…”

He continued looking down, trying to ignore the fact Phil had just spoken to him.

“Dan.”

Phil huffed, putting his hand out and brushing Dan’s arm, trying to gain his attention gently.

“Hey. Dan, what’s wrong?”

He had to do it. Dan could barely hear Phil. Questions were raging through his head, but he kept telling himself to stay strong. Break it off. ‘ _It needs to be done.’_ His mother’s words rang out clearest in his head. He gulped, willing himself not to break down, and looked up at Phil. His face was concerned, most definitely worried for the boy he vowed he loved. It was painful for Dan to see.

“Phil. I can’t do this anymore. I- I’m sorry. It’s over.”

He couldn’t even wait for Phil to respond before he ran out of the classroom, trying to conceal his brokenness, but failing miserably as he was continuously wiping tears off his face and sniffling as he made his way back to the dorms. As soon as Dan was in the door, he dropped his bag to the ground, one of his shaking hands coming up to cover his mouth as he realized what he had just done. 

His eyes creased as more tears came, now turning into sobs as Dan slid down the wall, no longer stable enough to stand. No longer would he be able to feel safe in Phil’s arms, or kiss his soft lips, run his hands through Phil’s hair and feel Phil run his fingers through his own. None of it. He wouldn’t be able to tell Phil how beautiful he is or stay the night just because he wanted to. Everything he loved had just been taken away because he decided to follow through with what his mum had told him to do.


	10. Chapter 10

Everything seemed to be getting worse. Dan had thought that _somehow_ this had been for the best. But he wasn’t sure that was true. He had texted his mum and she seemed happy, so he didn’t have to worry about getting caught anymore. But this felt worse than if they had gotten caught a thousand times over. That, he could deal with. But this? This felt like he had lost part of himself. A part that he definitely couldn’t live without.

“Dan! Oh my god. Dan? Dan, what happened?”

Chris had come in the door, probably from one of his classes, to find Dan sat on the ground, shaking and hyperventilating, something nobody should have to come home to see. Quickly, Chris kneeled on the ground in front of him. He placed a hand on Dan’s shoulder and tried his best to look him in the eyes.

“Dan. Listen to me, ok? Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth.”

Chris demonstrated, hoping Dan would catch on and do it with him. 

“In. Out. In. Out…”

After multiple failed attempts, Dan finally tried his best to copy. He breathed in through his nose and out through his mouth, though he struggled, he was at least trying.

“Good. Very good. That’s it. It’ll be ok, Dan. Whatever’s happened will be ok. And I want to help you. But the only way that’s going to be possible is if you tell me what’s happened. Ok? So please talk to me.”

He stared off into space, still shaking and trying desperately to breathe, not paying much attention to Chris.

“Dan?”

Dan focused his attention on the boy in front of him, finally calming his breathing down and trying his best to stand. Chris grabbed his hand and pulled him up, helping him walk over to the couch.

“Ok, now. What’s happened? Please talk to me. I really want to help you.”

Dan’s breathing shortened again, and once Chris noticed, he started breathing deeply, reminding Dan to do the same.

“I- Ph- I broke up with him. I… I’m so stupid. I thought this would fix things. I thought it would get better. But everything is so bad. It’s so bad and I don’t know what to do.”

Chris had to stop him from rambling, hoping he might calm down a bit more.

“Shh… Dan, I understand that you’re very upset right now. Ok? It’s going to be ok. Tell him what happened. Tell him why. _Why_ you did what you did. It wasn’t your fault. He’ll understand. And maybe then you can get back together. It’s going to work out.”

Dan nodded his head, wiping away the last of the tears.

“I’ll go tomorrow. I don’t think I’ll be ok if I see him again today.”

Chris gave Dan a sad smile. 

“That’s a good idea. I’m going to stay here with you for the rest of the day just to make sure you’re ok. So just let me know if you need anything.”

Dan got up from the sofa to head to his room.

“Thank you.”

Chris smiled a bit more, glad to know his friend would be ok.

“I’ll let PJ know you’re ok, alright?”

“Ok. Thank you.”

-

Dan walked into his bedroom, falling onto his bed and putting his head in his hands. He was emotionally and physically exhausted. It had been a horrible day, but he was going to fix this. He knew that much. He promised himself he would. Things would be ok.

-

Phil knew it. He had been used. It should’ve been obvious that this was too good to be true. Had it been for sex? Money? Comfort? Whatever it was, it wasn’t worth it. His eyes swelled with another round of tears. He had been crying ever since he arrived home. He had hardly made it through the rest of his lessons before he broke down and had to find a substitute to finish teaching the last class. Nothing was ok. Everything was wrong.

The tears didn’t seem to stop coming. He had finally believed someone good had walked into his life. Someone he could trust and spend the rest of his life experiences with. A home, marriage, kids, pets… a life. Of course, he was wrong. He always was. He would never learn. There was no point in getting hurt again.

Maybe this wasn’t Dan’s choice. Phil was trying to hold onto any hope he had left, but he knew better than that. Of course, it was his choice. Why would anybody want to be with Phil? He never laughed, never smiled, could never make a proper joke… not unless he was with Dan. Dan always made things better. He always knew how to cheer him up, how to make him smile, how to comfort him, and make him relax. But it was all fake. It had to have been. Despite all of the horrible impending evidence, Phil still left a note on the counter. Just in case Dan decided to come back one last time.

Gripping his bathroom sink, Phil inhaled deeply as tears tipped out of his eyes. There was no stopping them. Nothing could mend this pain. He would never be the same. After Dan broke up with him like this he would have trust issues for the rest of his pathetic life. It was such a simple break up. It was too easy for Dan. There was no way he would ever come back to him. There was really no use for Phil to live anymore. Especially if he was just going to be a broken piece of shit taking up space.

Phil looked up at his reflection one last time before popping the pills into his mouth. He knew they would be strong enough to kill him. It was made very clear on the bottle, and by the doctor when they were given to him. He took his last sip of water and swallowed the medicine. This wasn’t going to help him this time, it was going to end him.


	11. Chapter 11

“Dan?”

PJ lightly knocked on Dan’s door, trying his best to wake him up. The boy shifted in his bed, slowly gaining consciousness. Once Dan saw who was at the door, he smiled a bit.

“Hey, Peej. You can come in.”

PJ tried to give Dan a small smile in return.

“Ok.”

Slowly, PJ walked into his room, pulling the chair from the desk and facing Dan.

“How are you?”

PJ seemed really worried, knowing he had caused so much pain for his friend.

“I’m fine.”

He didn’t believe him. Chris had told PJ what had happened the day before. There was no way you could call that ‘fine’.

“I’m really sorry, you know?”

“Ya, I know. But it’s ok. I promise. I’m going to fix this.”

“How?”

“I’m going to tell him what happened. We’ll be more careful. It’ll be ok.”

PJ nodded his head, not truly believing it was a good idea, but wanting the best for Dan. He really deserved it.

“Ok. That sounds good. Good luck, mate. I hope things work out.”

Dan nodded his head and smiled.

“Me too.”

With PJ having left the room, Dan rolled over to grab his phone. He needed to text Phil.

Dan: _phil im sorry_

Dan: _can we please talk? this is important_

Dan: _i messed up and I dont know how to come back from this_

Dan: _please let me explain_

He sat on his bed, desperately waiting for a reply. Usually, Phil responds quickly, always happy to get a text from Dan. But not today. Dan let an hour pass before he became seriously worried. He wanted to let Phil know he would be coming over, but he wasn’t answering. Had he blocked him? Was he really in that much pain?

Dan couldn’t wait for a reply, he was too sick with worry. He ran through the dorm, pulling on a clean pair of jeans and a black hoodie, not caring enough to straighten his hair.

“Dan where are you going?”

Just as he was about to leave, Chris stopped him, seeing as he was almost in panic mode.

“I’m going to Phil’s place. I need to fix this.”

He swallowed the sadness he had for his friend, knowing Dan wasn’t well.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

Dan nodded his head quickly, though there was a bit of reluctance.

“Yes. I’m positive. This is the only way I can fix this.”

Chris let out a breath and tried his best to give Dan the reaffirmation that he needed.

“Ok, then. I’m sure things will work out. Just calm down. It will be fine. Now go and get your guy back.”

Dan smiled before waving and running out of the door. 

-

He headed over to Phil’s flat, as nervous and jittery as he was the first time. This break up wasn’t Dan’s fault. He never wanted any of this to happen. This would make things go back to normal though. It had too. There was no other option.

As he walked in the door, he called out to Phil, not seeing him in the kitchen or living room. He had to be there somewhere.

“Phil. Phil! _PHIL!_ ”

Dan’s fake happiness was slipping. Tears were filling his eyes. 

“Phil!”

The more he called out, the more he realized there wasn’t going to be an answer…. Everything was falling apart. This wasn’t how this was supposed to go. He was going to apologize. Explain what happened. Everything would be fine. But this… this wasn’t fine. No matter how many times Dan called out, Phil didn’t respond. It didn’t make sense.

It was all Dan could do not to fall onto the floor and give up. His tears now turning into broken sobs echoing through the empty apartment. Phil didn’t respond. He was nowhere to be seen. Instead of giving up though, Dan looked around. Phil was probably just hiding from him. He was probably too upset to say anything. That had to be it. He just didn’t want to see Dan anymore. Everything was ok. 

Though he was sobbing uncontrollably, Dan started to look around the apartment. Purposely avoiding the bedroom. He called out for his boyfriend. The only man who had ever been able to make him happy. The only man who was able to pleasure him. The only man to ever make Dan feel loved. 

Finally, Dan stepped into the bedroom, having nowhere else to check. It was the place where they had spent so much time together. Where they had shared their first kiss. Where they had first had sex with each other. And there he was. Phil. Lying on the bed. Paler. Colder than usual.

Nausea swept over Dan, making him stumble as he ran over to Phil. The world seemed to pulse around him.

“No. No, no, no, no. No, Ph- Phil. You c- can’t be dead. No. No, please. Please, w- wake up. I need you. I love you. P- please wake up…”

This wasn’t right. He couldn’t do it. This isn’t possible. He fell onto the bed, choking now, and clutching the pale man’s shoulders in his hands. He shook him as hard as he could, hoping that somehow he would wake up. There were still fresh tear tracks on Phil’s face, but he was unresponsive. He wasn’t breathing and his heartbeat had faded away. The heartbeat that had once beat in tune with Dan’s. All Dan could do was sob. Shaky, broken, snotty sobs, as he clutched what was once his lively and finally happy boyfriend. It took all his self-control not to stay there, hopelessly holding a dead body to his chest. It isn’t what Phil would have wanted. So instead, Dan let go.

This was his fault. All of this was. He couldn’t handle this. He ruined everything. His breathing was getting quicker by the second. He was unhealthily close hyperventilating again, but he remembered what Chris had said and tried his best to stay calm. He couldn’t freak out. Not yet anyway.

As quickly as this happened, the reality of it all came crashing over him. He felt bile rise in his throat and he had to rush to the toilet to get rid of it. The pill bottles Phil had emptied still sat on the counter, making Dan even sicker. He puked up the small amount of food that he had eaten. He didn’t stop until he was just left dry heaving into the toilet. His throat burnt and the smell of sick danced in the air, stinging his nose.

He didn’t know what to do. There was not much he could do at this point. He wanted to cry, but he was in so much shock that he wasn’t physically able. Once Dan had finished puking, he got up from the toilet, not wanting to stay in the bathroom where Phil had committed suicide. He didn’t want to be in this home at all. It didn’t feel right.

Dan flushed the toilet, wiping tears and snot from his face as he dragged himself back through the living room, noticing an envelope on the table. It was addressed to him. His heart dropped again, knowing it was from Phil. He grabbed it before running out of the apartment, not ever wanting to return.


	12. Epilogue

Dan had stumbled back into the dorms, feeling his consciousness slip little by little. His breathing had shortened and he was close to hyperventilating. The further away from Phil he got, the more the realization hit him. Phil was dead. Actually dead, and there was nothing Dan could do to change that.

Of course, both Chris and PJ had been eagerly awaiting Dan’s arrival back to the dorms, but they hadn’t expected him to be in this condition. They had expected good news. They had wanted to congratulate Dan, not save him from passing out. PJ was the first one to run over, as he felt like this was partly his fault.

“Dan, please come sit down. What happened? You can talk to us. We can fix this together, right?”

All he could do was shake his head. There was no way to fix this. Tears clouded his vision as he recalled the horrible sight. Phil hadn’t even looked dead… but he was.

“Dan? Why can’t we fix it? Talk to us?”

PJ hadn’t even noticed the letter in Dan’s hand until Dan had started fiddling with it, his shaky hands now picking at the edges. Chris noticed it too, and his heart dropped, realizing what it must be. He ran over and sat next to Dan, wanting him to feel as safe and comfortable as possible.

“Dan, hey, it’s ok. Would you like to read that alone? PJ and I can leave for a minute, or we can stay and read it together. What would you like?”

Dan’s breathing became even more rapid as the letter was mentioned. He didn’t want to read it at all. There was too much pain involved in all of this. He really didn’t want to deal with it. He wished it could just go away. 

“Dan. You need to breathe. You’re going to pass out if you don’t breathe. Ok? Can you try that for me.”

Just like he had done in the past, Chris started slowly breathing through his nose, and out through his mouth, though no matter how many times he did it, it didn’t seem to be working.

“Ok, Dan? I’m going to ask you a few questions, could you answer them for me?”

The boy nodded his head, trying his best to even be able to hear Chris.

“What’s your name?”

Dan’s breathing slowed a bit as he was trying to open his mouth to speak, something he wasn’t sure he was able to do.

“D- Dan.”

Chris smiled sadly, happy he was able to help his friend.

“What color are your eyes?”

“Brown.”

“Good. Thank you. Now, can you follow my breathing.”

He inhaled a deep breath before slowly blowing it out through his mouth, helping Dan do the same. Once he had finally gotten Dan’s breathing back to normal, he thought about a better way to approach this.

“Dan, I know that you don’t want to read this letter, but I need you too, ok? Would you like to read it alone?”

Shakily, Dan nodded his head. He knew the letter would be personal and he didn’t want Chris or PJ knowing what was in it. 

“Ok, would you like us to leave the room?”

Chris sadly looked over to PJ, who was sat quietly, watching in the background and nervously hugging himself.

“No. P- please don’t leave.”

Both PJ and Chris nodded, respecting Dan’s plea to stay.

Tears clouded Dan’s vision, making it hard to see as he slowly opened the letter. His entire body was shaking, sick from the horror of this situation.

_Dan. I’m so sorry. I’m not sure what happened between us, but whatever it was, I’m sorry. I know I’m not a very good boyfriend. In fact, I’m horrible. But I didn’t mean to make life hard for you. It’s probably for the best that we broke up. I wouldn’t want to cause you any more pain._

_I love you. I hope you know that. You’re the best boyfriend I’ve ever had. You’ve been the only person to make me genuinely smile. And I thank you for that. For the joy that you brought to my life, however short-lived it was. I hope that I didn’t move this relationship along too quickly, and if I did, I’m sorry._

_I know that it could be hard to cheer me up at times, and for that, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I was so depressed. I wish I could’ve been different. A better boyfriend. A better person. A better lover. You really do deserve better, and I’m sure you’ll find someone. Who wouldn’t love you?_

_You always made my heart flutter when you were around. Something nobody had been able to do in a very long time. You made me feel emotion like I had never felt before. I felt safe. I felt happy. And most of all, I felt loved._

_I’m so sorry things had to go down this way. I wish we could’ve talked to each other. I probably should wait, but if you’re reading this, I assume I’m gone. I’m sorry. And I hope to never cause you pain again. Though I guess I won’t have to worry about that if I’m dead. No longer taking up space in this world. It’s better off this way. I love you. And I wish you the best. Stay safe, and have the courage to exist._

_-Phil_

Dan could feel his airways becoming restricted once again. He didn’t know what to do. He had led Phil to believe he didn’t want him. But he did. Dan wanted Phil more than anything in the world. All of this was his fault. He should’ve explained things better. Rather than just cutting things off.

Tears streamed down his face, getting caught on his chin before rolling off and onto the paper below him. Everything was blurred, from tears or from the immense pain of this all, Dan wasn’t sure.

He wanted to die, but he couldn’t. That’s not what Phil wanted. And he wanted, more than anything, to make Phil happy. To make Phil proud of him. Nobody would ever love Dan as Phil did, and Dan would never love anybody like he loved Phil, but he would heal. Or, at the least, try his best… for Phil.

“It’s over.”

Chris and PJ looked at each other and then back at Dan.

PJ came a bit closer and sat down next to his friend.

“What do you mean?”

Both boys had feared the worst, though they really weren’t prepared when they heard it.

“He’s dead. There’s nothing I can do, but keep living. I have to. He told me to. So I will. Not for myself, but for him.”

Chris nodded, silently wishing things could be different.

“Dan, try your best not to worry about things anymore, ok? PJ and I will deal with it. Just hang on. Things will get better.”

Dan nodded, hugging the letter closer to his body.

“I will. I have the courage to exist…”


End file.
